How To Make The Most Of Your Grocery Shopping Experience

UNLOADING:
Dude, if you put your bread, donuts, tomatoes, and other smashables up on the belt ahead of your gallons of milk, 10-pound bag of kitty litter, and sixteen twelve-packs of spring water, most likely it's going to get crushed, and it won't be MY fault. Once it's scanned and passes through me, I put soft stuff aside for LAST, but if you're too daft to figure this out beforehand, it may be crushed before I can save it. I'm not, after all, Superman.

CHECKS:
It seems like the people still writing checks are all the old fogeys who can't get with the program and step into the 21st century... and they're the ones who MOST NEED to use a faster method of paying. They all have arthritis and their hands shake when they make out the check, and they can't see 'cause they left their glasses at home, and it takes for bloody EVER!!

THE BELT:
It's most wise to NOT put your coupons, greeting cards, and magazines directly on the conveyor belt. As you might notice in the way conveyor belts operate, they pull shit under when they get to the end. Don't test my reflexes. They're fast, but if I'm in a bad mood, I might miss your coupons. I've seen that thing eat an entire issue of Women's Day; I won't hesitate to feed it a couple twenty-five cents off macaroni coupons and your birthday card for Great Aunt Wilhemina.

SPEAKING OF COUPONS:
Please present them before I start scanning your stuff. At LEAST if you have a "get-something-free" coupon. Otherwise, I will have to spend many precious minutes of yours, mine, and the customers behind you hunting for the price on the receipt.

GREETING CARDS:
Personally, really, I couldn't care less about the sentiment of your card. I don't care how "cute" it is, I'm not going to remark on the occasion, I just want to scan it and move on. Kindly have the card with the BARCODE facing out, to save us both a spot of time, eh?

FASTLANES/SELF-CHECKOUTS:
They ARE faster, if you know what you're doing. Take the time to learn how they work if you plan to make use of them. Also, it's not faster if you have a CARTLOAD of stuff. Including un-scannables such as produce, for which you must look up the codes. Don't check yourself out on the fastlanes with sixteen different types of vegetables, mixed nuts by the bag, and deli, write out a check, and then bitch to me that "this isn't FASTER". No, egghead, it's not. You'd have been through a cashier's line three times in the time it took you to mess this shit up for yourself over here.  
SHOPBACKS:
This is how we refer to merchandise that must be returned to the shelf (or wherever else it may go). If you have a shopback - something you picked up and changed your mind about, or your kid threw in the cart when you weren't looking - just give it to me! I'll happily call maintenance to deliver it back to its proper home! Don't, for the love of muggles, leave it on the candybar display to get rancid, thawed, etc. This costs us ALL money in loss, genius!

WIC:
I've no problem with people using WIC. It's for those who need it. All I ask is that you please PRESENT your WIC checks before scanning begins, otherwise I have to void it all off and start over, wasting everybody's time. If I've scanned enough, I'll even have to call a manager over to void it. So pay attention!

FOODSTAMPS/EBT:
If you're paying with EBT, TELL me!! I need to hit a different key on the computer for it to take the payment off the foodstamps portion of your card. If I don't see it's an EBT and you don't tell me, and I just see a card in your hand, I'll hit the button for credit/debit card, and then guess what? It's coming off the MONEY portion of your card. Yeah, that's right - the part you use to buy CIGARETTES and ALCOHOL with my tax money. (No offense to those of you who honestly use EBT - I just happen to know for a fact that about 75% of the people coming through my line are buying cancer sticks and liquor with the money portion of their foodstamps card, and this really chaps my motherfucking hide!!)

CELLPHONES:
I ran into this problem as a waitress as well - let me tell a short story before I launch into this. I went to take an order from a customer yakking away on their cell. They pointed vaguely to something on the menu. I wrote it down, sent it to the kitchen, and when I delivered it to their table, was reprimanded for bringing the wrong thing! Fuck YOU, if you can't be arsed to get off the fucking phone for five minutes to order your food or have your money change hands with a cashier. How DARE you bitch at ME for your rudeness!! I am expected to deliver to you my FULL attention - no chatting with other employees as I check you out - the least you could do is spend the FIVE LOUSY MINUTES you're in my line paying attention to what's going on and be courteous in return!!

I can be your best friend, if you simply treat me with the dignity and respect I deserve. Be courteous and polite; say hello back when I greet you, and realize that I am a person first, and my job title second, and it will get you far. If not, I can be the worst bitch you'll ever encounter.

May be amended or added to in the future!!

I bitched on Friday, Mar. 03, 2006.